I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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