I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
