Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
