I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
