I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
