Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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