Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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