i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
