Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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