i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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