he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize