he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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