You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
