Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
