I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
