There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
