i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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