I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
