You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
