I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
