He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
