he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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