So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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