i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Randomize
