no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
