we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize