Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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