i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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