somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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