I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
