kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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