my sisters under your porch take her home
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm bleeding and have questions
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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