I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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