I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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