There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
