i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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