i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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