You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
