I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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