You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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