My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
