I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
