so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
