If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
