**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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