The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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