Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
