If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
