She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
