so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
