I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
