You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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