Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it was like having sex with a tree stump
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
