***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
