I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
