Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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