Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
