either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize