I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
