hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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