the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
