answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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