I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
